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Ask a black woman

October 30, 2018

Hey yall! What's Gucci my people, what's Louis my people?

 

I'm out here excited about posting the women's responses to "Ask a black man" in which I had  received some surprisingly decent answers (lool never experreriiit) and some trifling ones (Nod to you anonymous 32)!

 

 

The ladies had a survey of their own, and I took part in answering myself! I must say, I had quite some fun doing so!

Without further ado, I'll present the ladies that took part in the survey, and share some answers with you :) My good people on the men's side said they were interested in question 3! I hope it's for you people to level up, abi? Hehehe, just playing with yall, but, just in passing; 5 out of 6 women here are single, you better get your life! ^^ In any case, we have answered all this and much more! Enjoyy

 

First name:  Ramata                     

Age: 23

Relationship status:  Single

Dated outside the black race? If not, are you open to dating outside the black race, or is the aim black men only?

I have not dated outside the black race; and at this point in my life, the aim is a black man, however I am not opposed to someone different coming into my life.

 

First name: A                    

Age: 33

Relationship status: Married

Dated outside the black race? If not, are you open to dating outside the black race, or is the aim black men only? I did (white man)

 

 

First name: Genevieve

Age: 25

Relationship status: Single

Dated outside your race? If not, are you open to dating outside your race? Why? Why not?
I have only ever dated outside of my race – there isn’t a particular reason as to why. I’ve just always been more attracted to men of color.

 

First name: Méguy

Age: 25

Relationship status: Single

Dated outside the black race? If not, are you open to dating outside the black race, or is the aim black men only? I have not dated outside the race (and right now debating if fact 19 in 25 facts about me is still true lool! I mean if I have to ask, like... I think it's still true!) Black and African are my first preference though I am not closed to dating outside the black race.

 

First name: Ludivine

Age: 35

Relationship status: Single

Dated outside your race? Absolutely!

 

First name: Anonymous 

Age: 26

Relationship status: Single

Dated outside the black race? If not, are you open to dating outside the black race, or is the aim black men only? Black men only.

 

 

Let's answer these questions shall we?

 

1. Does it make the black woman angry to see black men dating outside the race?

 

 

Ramata answered echoing my own words :To be honest, it used to bother me, just because it was always justified with comments about how black women were this or that, and that it was the reason they were deemed “undateable”. But now that I am older, I could not care less, love is love and to each their own.  I do not let those comments affect me anymore, and I know that they do not define my worth as a woman.  

 

Side note, I'm still working on the "not getting pissed at the comments" part though.

 

Genevieve answered: I haven’t personally been called out for dating a man of color in the sense that I am “stealing”. The only comment that has ever been made is how encouraging it is that I defy the continued sense of taboo on mixed couples. Every now and then I am referred to as an upside down oreo.

 

Anonymous replied: No, but I give them the side eye.

 

 

 

2. Is the black woman intimidating to the black man?​

 

A replied: That’s what some of them say.

 

My two cents:  I really do think so. A black man once told me he was afraid of the black woman, so he just didn’t hit on them, for fear of rejection, because “they are not only complicated, they are quick to kick you to the curb”.

 

Ramata said: I don’t think she is, it all depends on the man. In my opinion, a secure and confident man, no matter his race, should not feel intimidated by any woman.

 

 

3. Enumerate top three qualities you are looking for when choosing a partner (Let’s stay away from the physical traits):

 

Ludivine: Smart, generous and funny!

 

Anonymous: God fearing – Family oriented – Intelligent

 

A (OMG ,just remembered a vary notorious A. Yall remember?): Confidence, reliability and caring

 

Genevieve: Loyalty, drive and humor

 

Ramata: -Compassion-Faith-Intelligence

 

I cheated on my own instructions and talked way too much to be honest but, here you go: 

 

a. Genuine Kindness. I mean I’m sure we all like kindness, but I mean KINDNESS. It’s the best thing!

b. Humility (Fam, if you can mix a healthy dose of confidence and presence in the power that is humility… say NO MORE, I’m DOWN with it! Periodttt)

c. Someone I can have an easy-going time with (by that I mean playful in a “I can see your inner child kind of way”, and a sense of humor).

Okay, I cheated a bit, when the question said three qualities right? It’s my survey, I do what I want hahaha

 

4. Now, one physical trait, just for fun (Like the most attractive thing on a man. Is the said physical trait more attractive on a black man or is that irrespective of race?

 

Anonymous replied: Well groomed beard.

It can look good on different men of different races depending on the shape of their heads.

 

And girl, I looled at the "shape of their heads" comment!

 

And in the beard mood, we continued, as A replied: Fit and bearded. 

 

 Complex Magazine

 

I agree! But I personally replied this: I have a thing for tall guys! This particular trait is attractive on all men, irrespective of race

 

Ludivine answered : The eyes I would say, and that is irrespective of race.

 

5. Your thoughts on wigs and extensions?

 

Love them! I do wear my hair natural, but I love wigs and extensions for protective styling.

 

I applauded this answer all the while trying to remember how many times I have tried to explain the  concept that is "protective hairstyle"!  You people do it on purpose not to understand... or?

 

Ludivine answered: ? I love it! I think you guys are lucky because you can try different styles all the time and be someone else overnight. For others it is more difficult, we have to think about it for weeks before cutting our hair cause we know we will have to stick with it for months.

 

A replied: Love extensions, do not trust wigs.

 

 

6. Are you comfortable wearing your own hair? While A replied, Absolutely! Here is the novel I wrote: 

 

I’m going to be honest here. Have you seen that episode in Being Mary Jane, where she needs to take her weave out and then panics and calls her niece up to get a new weave in before work the next day? I’ve had that moment, both with wigs and with my natural hair. I am most comfortable with braids. This is because I like how I look in them.  Wigs play games with me sometimes. I am however learning to embrace my own hair, because it’s what grows out of my damn scalp! I’ve seen firsthand that we definitely have some work to do together in erasing the idea that there is only one standard of beauty, especially on the continent, and that is a sad truth. I’ve had some uneducated responses to me wearing my own hair, the way it grows out of my scalp, in a “classy” or “professional environment”. I am working on myself, to actively shed the light on such views on natural hair, all the while celebrating our hair in all states (Hey to my beautiful relaxed ladies too 😊)!

 

Humm, now reading this, i want to add a chapter to my novel... Those shower scenes where you people are running through a woman's silky hair...Staaappp acting like yall can do it in our hair and get angry when we explain that that's super unrealistic for some black women, and it's okayy lool ! My 4C women, please stand up! Please stand up!Please stand up! (Slim shady voice). Thanks, I'm done.

 

 Genevieve replied: 100%! During university I felt very insecure about being the girl with the curls so I permanently straightened my hair with permanent Japanese hair treatments. It ruined my curls and took 3 years to finally get some sort of curl back. It took a long time to reach an understanding that my hair is part of my identity. 

 

(Indeed, hair issues are not exclusive to the black woman and we can hold hands on this one sis!)

 

 

 

7. What are black men always accusing black women of being, that is not true? (What are myths /stereotypes about the black woman that are false)?

 

Anonymous replied:  The self hating black men think black women are trash. But they are just projecting their own insecurities. They are the trash ones.(Sorry I don’t have specific myths/stereotypes about the black woman because the different myths perpetuated can be applied to women of different races).

 

Ramata replied: It seems like black women are often portrayed as being angry, aggressive and “not submissive”. It is safe to say that there are some black women who own those traits, but so do women form other races. I do think it is unfair to stick this negative etiquette to black women only; however, it does seem like black women are more assertive and more willing to express their feelings and opinion which could explain why black men think they are angry, or aggressive. All I can say is, if she’s angry, she probably has a reason for it...


A replied: Materialistic, angry, bossy

 

8. Do black women feel a certain pressure to date only black men (that belong to their culture) all the while feeling that black men have less of a pressure to date only black women that belong to their culture?

 

A replied: Absolutely, in Africa and in the US. I love to say my husband happens to be black, it’s not a requirement for me when I choose a partner.

 

Ramata replied: Most definitely! A lot of black men seem to think black women should not date outside their race, when they are comfortable doing it! There is a huge underlying double standard here. I know in my culture, it is more socially accepted for men to venture outside the race-culture than women, who are immediately judged and shunned for it.

 

 buzzfeed 

 

I replied: Fortunately dating within my own culture, religion or race has never been an imposed thing for me. Don’t quote me, but I really think that this way of being is quite Central African. I have however felt (and this is not a researched answer just a feeling), that there is usually more pressure on black women to date in their culture and race, whereas, black men are encouraged to do so too, just not as rigidly.

 

9. Is being “sexually liberated” an issue for black women (Are we generally less sexually liberated)? (This question requires that you give you definition of sexual liberation).How does this affect our desirability amongst men?

 

Anonymous replied: That’s some western world BS. Being a hoe ain’t cute. The level of desirability amongst men doesn’t matter to me. It’s the internal qualities you possess as a woman that matter. Like being God fearing, woke, self-aware, emotionally mature, spiritually awakened, etc.

 

A replied: Sexual liberation would mean living one’s sexuality regardless of other people’s judgment and in pursuit of one’s pleasure. 

 

and about the second question: I don’t think so, that’s another cliché about black women, that they are less liberated sexually than the other races. That is equivalent to saying that Asian women are submissive.

 

 @MadameNoire 

 

 

Ramata replied: I don’t think we are generally less sexually liberated, it all depends on the person once again. To me being sexually liberated means having an active sex life and making your own decisions regardless of what people might think or say about you.  I don’t know about black women in general because we all come from different cultural backgrounds, but I can maybe speak for African women in general and say that they might be less sexually liberated than someone from another race because we were taught to value sex, and to almost make it sacred. It is also strongly tied to faith and religion, so no, I don’t think being sexually liberated is an issue for the black woman compared to other women, it varies depending on the person, whether she is black, white, Asian, etc.…

 

And I said: To be sexually liberated to me is not letting societal norms on how women should act sexually, limit your sexual expression/exploration. It includes learning to know your body and being open to teaching and learning from your partner(s). Yes, sexual liberation is having the number of partners you so wish to have too, responsibly, and without having to be called promiscuous out here in these streets. I ain’t never heard jack shit about a promiscuous man! That being said, I believe the black woman is opening up the discussion and way for sexual liberation. African women my age and older, (hell younger too) are breaking down ancient beliefs that perpetuate the idea that sex is only meant to be enjoyed by men and remain a mere reproductive duty for us.

 

About the second question:  I believe that what affects our desirability is precisely the false idea that the black woman is less sexually liberated. Fam, go ask these Senegalese women (Heyy slay queens)! Oya they have tricks! Ask my (unnamed sister here) sister friend! You can hit the books and educate thyself sexually too!

 

10. Do good guys finish last? (My thought process behind this is that, I often hear black women talk about how they would rather date black men because they are not as “sweet/aims only to please” but rather more “commanding/authoritarian”, “rough around the edges” kind of guys… So, do good guys finish last? This too would require you to define what a good guy is to you).

 

(Madame Noire )

 

Genevieve replied: A good guy is someone who is a family man and wants me to succeed to reach what happiness means to me. He loves me for me – not because I’m a woman, but because I am his girlfriend and he wants me to succeed in the ways he wants that for himself or anyone else he loves.I have yet to meet or date a good guy because I have yet to meet one. So do they finish last? I don’t really know. I would hope that’s not the truth though, someone with true intentions and a good heart should in theory, with the current feminist trends in 2018, should finish first. Every. Single. Time.

 

A replied: Absolutely not, I am speaking for myself, I was never attracted to “bad guys”, I’m very busy so my time is precious. Chasing after a guy who is playing games is not my thing. A good guy for me would a straightforward guy, who is not playing games, who is not making you fight for his attention, and is not entertaining multiple women at the same time.

 

(I shouted yassss at your answer sis! Don't play games!)

 

Anonymous replied: A good guy is a man that has done the internal and spiritual work (introspection) to be emotionally, mentally and spiritually mature. Also God fearing (this implies that he wouldn’t do certain shady and bad things because he truly believes in God. I am not talking about “the fake God fearing” or the “fake woke men”). So a good guy will finish last if he is dealing with girls.But he won’t finish last if he is dealing with equally good women (cf my definition above of a good guy to be computed to a definition of a good woman).

 

Ramata replied: This is a hard one. Again, I can only speak for myself and maybe for the women who have a similar cultural background. I think in most black households, men are taught to be particularly tough, masculine, and strong, and to not really show their emotions or their soft side. Black women grow up to that vision of what a man should be which explains that later in life they look for someone with those same traits. I know I’ve always had that ideal version of a “strong, masculine” man in my life, based on the men I grew up with, my dad especially. But I think as you grow up, you are able to recognize what real masculinity and real strength is, and to differentiate it from rudeness. We may grow up wanting the bad boys, but I am pretty sure we end up choosing the good guys, the ones who respect us, who are kind, who value us; and we end up realizing that kindness is much more attractive than rudeness.

 

I replied: I believe that the definition of a good guy has shifted. A while back when I thought of “good guy” I heard mumu (lool, credit to my Nigerians and Ghanaians for teaching me this word). A mumu basically means (did I try and fail to get a full proof definition on Google? Yes!), you can speak to that man however you want, he will take it without fighting back and still buy you the world sis! He doesn’t need his self-respect and sis, what is pride? Now, a good guy to me is kind, loving, knows what he wants, is mature enough not to play games for the sake of “the chase”. A man like that doesn’t finish last.

 

 

And if you've made it this far, I hope you enjoyed the read! I looled while editing this ^^

 

Until next time!

 

Bisous, 

 

Meg 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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